“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity, to what we would have others think of us.”
-Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, 1811
My Inner Puritan and I have many struggles with the idea of “Vanity”. I rarely go anywhere without mascara (my eyelashes are blond otherwise!). Until this past year, I insisted on using a flat iron on my stick-straight hair daily.
Vanity vs. Pride in Self
If I learned anything from years of watching What Not to Wear it was that how you present yourself reflects very heavily on how you see yourself. Vanity in this case is a projected, public portrayal of your self-worth. It can go both ways. Sometimes, you feel down so dress “down.” Other times, you know your hair is obeying so you are more outgoing (so more people can see your lovely ‘do).
Don’t even get me started on Pride being another sin in and of itself. My guilt complex may just implode.
Vanity vs. Narcissism
If flights of vanity can be forgiven (or, indeed, are not something about which to seek forgiveness in the event that it is mislabeled pride), narcissism cannot. Right? However, sometimes the line between a “healthy” amount of pride and a “dangerous” level of narcissism is unclear. When is it too much?
Can pride and vanity really be separated that easily? It’s nice to tell yourself that you don’t care what others think of you (vanity) and that all that matters is your own opinion of yourself (pride) but do any of us live up to it regularly?
I was hoping to start a conversation today. Please share your thoughts!
For further reading, I loved the discussion here on Design Mom about make-up as a risk.
{Image: Zahia Dehar in V Magazine / Photography Sebastian Faena / Styling Carlyne de Dudzeele}
renita says
Hmmm. My thoughts are sort of all over the place on this. Amish (and some conservative Menno) philosophy is that we should always be humble. I think it’s OK to be proud of yourself, and take pride in your appearance, but balancing that with humility and not crossing over into arrogance and vanity.
But then, while I take care with my appearance most days, I know I’m not conventionally “hot” or gorgeous or… whatever. I’m happy when my skin is clear, my hair behaves and my clothes flatter me.
You brought up What Not to Wear, and the probably best thing I get from that show is that anyone can look better and feel better about themselves — without losing weight or getting plastic surgery or whatever. Anyone can, with a new perspective and a good haircut, feel more attractive.
See? All over the place. 🙂
Helena says
I’m somewhere with you, especially this: “I think it’s OK to be proud of yourself, and take pride in your appearance, but balancing that with humility and not crossing over into arrogance and vanity.”
I take care of my appearance when venturing outside the home. I’m somewhat light on the makeup if the situation doesn’t really require it, but I generally always have mascara on and a lip balm/gloss/stick in my purse.
renita says
I’m with you on the makeup, I almost always have concealer and powder base on to even my complexion out/cut down on shine, but I rarely wear much else — mascara, maybe a touch of eyeliner, but hardly ever any eye shadow, blush or heavy lipstick. I try to look natural. (Oh, and lip balm/gloss, but I barely count that.)
It can be fun to glam it up occasionally, but I’m just not a high-maintenance person, nor do I want to be.
renita says
Hmmm. My thoughts are sort of all over the place on this. Amish (and some conservative Menno) philosophy is that we should always be humble. I think it’s OK to be proud of yourself, and take pride in your appearance, but balancing that with humility and not crossing over into arrogance and vanity.
But then, while I take care with my appearance most days, I know I’m not conventionally “hot” or gorgeous or… whatever. I’m happy when my skin is clear, my hair behaves and my clothes flatter me.
You brought up What Not to Wear, and the probably best thing I get from that show is that anyone can look better and feel better about themselves — without losing weight or getting plastic surgery or whatever. Anyone can, with a new perspective and a good haircut, feel more attractive.
See? All over the place. 🙂
Helena says
I’m somewhere with you, especially this: “I think it’s OK to be proud of yourself, and take pride in your appearance, but balancing that with humility and not crossing over into arrogance and vanity.”
I take care of my appearance when venturing outside the home. I’m somewhat light on the makeup if the situation doesn’t really require it, but I generally always have mascara on and a lip balm/gloss/stick in my purse.
renita says
I’m with you on the makeup, I almost always have concealer and powder base on to even my complexion out/cut down on shine, but I rarely wear much else — mascara, maybe a touch of eyeliner, but hardly ever any eye shadow, blush or heavy lipstick. I try to look natural. (Oh, and lip balm/gloss, but I barely count that.)
It can be fun to glam it up occasionally, but I’m just not a high-maintenance person, nor do I want to be.
Hillary says
It’s funny – it all sort of ends up sounding like semantics to me.
I would call myself a “narcissist” but not often “proud.” And I’m “vain,” too, I guess – but I still don’t use that as a descriptor as much as narcissism.
To me, the word “proud” makes it sound like doing something better than another person or looking better means that I am actually BETTER – that I have more worth or have accomplished some feat of power or something. Which I don’t think is true. Everyone is different.
That said, I think that I do many things better than others – judged against my own system of measures. To me, this makes me a narcissist, being self-involved and aware. Maybe that’s an incorrect use of the word?
I think stuff like this is hard to talk about because it requires the establishment of some base-level belief in the sciences (incl. religion or philosophy).
Anyway, in my family elections, I was NOT voted in the top 3 most vain, so I can rest assured in that.
Helena says
It is semantics to a certain extent. I liked reading how you view the word “proud” – we can all assign slightly different meanings and thus give them slightly different weight.
Congrats on “winning” in the family election!
Hillary says
It’s funny – it all sort of ends up sounding like semantics to me.
I would call myself a “narcissist” but not often “proud.” And I’m “vain,” too, I guess – but I still don’t use that as a descriptor as much as narcissism.
To me, the word “proud” makes it sound like doing something better than another person or looking better means that I am actually BETTER – that I have more worth or have accomplished some feat of power or something. Which I don’t think is true. Everyone is different.
That said, I think that I do many things better than others – judged against my own system of measures. To me, this makes me a narcissist, being self-involved and aware. Maybe that’s an incorrect use of the word?
I think stuff like this is hard to talk about because it requires the establishment of some base-level belief in the sciences (incl. religion or philosophy).
Anyway, in my family elections, I was NOT voted in the top 3 most vain, so I can rest assured in that.
Helena says
It is semantics to a certain extent. I liked reading how you view the word “proud” – we can all assign slightly different meanings and thus give them slightly different weight.
Congrats on “winning” in the family election!
Anna says
My dad has borderline narcissistic personality disorder, and it isn’t what you would imagine it to be, it seems to me to be a perverse view ones self. He is not incredibly vain, but perhaps quite proud, but if affects how he understands himself and others, relates and empathises with people. I think it is important to have self pride and look after your appearance and personality, by taking time everyday to brush your teeth (practical hygiene), and then do those little extra things that make you unique, different, and happy. But when it starts affecting REAL and important relationships, bringing division and hurting people, your pride and vanity become destructive. So enjoy your mascara, I’m the same, blonde eyelashes…I look ill and sad when I don’t put mascara on! No one would think any less of you! In fact, they may tell you how beautiful you look today 🙂
Helena says
Thanks for sharing, Anna, I think that’s a perfect description – making sure that the little things we do to make ourselves feel pretty and unique are not so time-consuming or all encompassing that they eclipse other relationships.
Anna says
My dad has borderline narcissistic personality disorder, and it isn’t what you would imagine it to be, it seems to me to be a perverse view ones self. He is not incredibly vain, but perhaps quite proud, but if affects how he understands himself and others, relates and empathises with people. I think it is important to have self pride and look after your appearance and personality, by taking time everyday to brush your teeth (practical hygiene), and then do those little extra things that make you unique, different, and happy. But when it starts affecting REAL and important relationships, bringing division and hurting people, your pride and vanity become destructive. So enjoy your mascara, I’m the same, blonde eyelashes…I look ill and sad when I don’t put mascara on! No one would think any less of you! In fact, they may tell you how beautiful you look today 🙂
Helena says
Thanks for sharing, Anna, I think that’s a perfect description – making sure that the little things we do to make ourselves feel pretty and unique are not so time-consuming or all encompassing that they eclipse other relationships.
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