I always knew I wanted to breastfeed. It wasn’t even something I gave much thought to – just something I anticipated eventually doing. While pregnant, I researched breastfeeding pillows, covers, and the like and waited for my little nursling to arrive.
Then she came! And … breastfeeding hurt like no other. Why didn’t anyone warn me?! I told Will several times how it just boggled my mind that something so tied to the survival of our species could be so unpleasant. It was like my nipples were on fire.
Feeding slowly became torture. I met with lactation consultants at the hospital at the time of Ada’s birth, a few weeks later in my house, and later still at a clinic. I did weighted feeds to make sure Ada was getting enough milk. Her latch was evaluated and tweaked and still, my nipples were just so incredibly sore all the time. Wearing clothes was painful and I barely had time to rest in between feeds.
During one painful feed I typed “I hate breastfeeding and I …” into Google and it auto-completed “… feel guilty”. Yes, I use Google auto-complete to remind myself that there are other mothers out there who’ve experienced what I’m feeling. It’s cathartic. OK, so at least I wasn’t alone in this torture but WHAT NOW? I was resenting my baby for needing to eat and feeling like a complete failure.
Will suggested I try pumping for a little while so we could bottle feed Ada and I could have a break. I was skeptical (so much guilt!) but frankly, pumping saved me. Finally, I had a respite from the pain.
I’d read online on various discussion forums about people hating pumping. Exclusively pumping (or “EP” in the online discussion forum lingo) was seen as a pain in the arse. I didn’t understand that point of view at all. Pumping was the best of both worlds! I get to feed Ada breastmilk and avoid the intense, constant pain of nursing. Win win!
At first, I nursed Ada when she woke up in the middle of the night (so I didn’t have to deal with bottles and sanitation while groggy!) and we used bottles during the day.
Later, once she was sleeping through the night, we fell into a rhythm. I’d pump four times a day and Ada ate exclusively from bottles. I made a couple half-hearted attempts to renew her interest in feeding from the tap. The first time, we were at a Babywearing International meeting and she was not taking it at all. I thought perhaps it could be due to all the distraction in the room. I tried later at home and Ada looked up at me like “Mama, I love you. I don’t mean to make this awkward but, uh, you just put your boob in my mouth.”
And that was that. No more from-the-breast.* We we were exclusive pumpers. Our last breastfeeding session was May 29, 2016, at 7:20 AM. My baby-feeding app reminds me of that every time I open it to add info on our bottle feeds.
Now, eight months into it, I get why people hate pumping. I love that it gives me an excuse to take a little break during the day, but, it’s kind of a pain in the arse … just like all the ladies in the online discussion forums said. I have to plan around when I need to pump. I have to bring the pump with me if we are out of the house during a pumping time. I have to bring bottles with me to feed Ada. I am constantly staring at my output and measuring it against past performance. I’m constantly thinking about breastmilk!
I’m quite jealous of what I perceive as the relative ease of women who can breastfeed. They just pull out a boob whenever milk is needed, lucky ducks!
Had nursing worked out better, I could have see myself nursing into toddlerhood and letting Ada self-wean. As a pumper, I know I’m looking forward to retiring my pump shortly after Ada’s first birthday and that does make me a little wistful.
Don’t get me wrong – when I think of getting rid of the pump I imagine that scene from Office Space where they take the fax machine out to a field and beat it to death. Mmm, yeah. But the whole thing is still a little bittersweet.
* Please note that I made very little effort to go back to feeding from the breast rather than feeding exclusively from a bottle. If you are reading this and going between pumping and nursing or trying to get your babe to take the breast more, please don’t see my journey with breastfeeding (and transition to EPing) as any indicator of your eventual success.