I always knew I wanted to breastfeed. It wasn’t even something I gave much thought to – just something I anticipated eventually doing. While pregnant, I researched breastfeeding pillows, covers, and the like and waited for my little nursling to arrive.
Then she came! And … breastfeeding hurt like no other. Why didn’t anyone warn me?! I told Will several times how it just boggled my mind that something so tied to the survival of our species could be so unpleasant. It was like my nipples were on fire.
Feeding slowly became torture. I met with lactation consultants at the hospital at the time of Ada’s birth, a few weeks later in my house, and later still at a clinic. I did weighted feeds to make sure Ada was getting enough milk. Her latch was evaluated and tweaked and still, my nipples were just so incredibly sore all the time. Wearing clothes was painful and I barely had time to rest in between feeds.
During one painful feed I typed “I hate breastfeeding and I …” into Google and it auto-completed “… feel guilty”. Yes, I use Google auto-complete to remind myself that there are other mothers out there who’ve experienced what I’m feeling. It’s cathartic. OK, so at least I wasn’t alone in this torture but WHAT NOW? I was resenting my baby for needing to eat and feeling like a complete failure.
Will suggested I try pumping for a little while so we could bottle feed Ada and I could have a break. I was skeptical (so much guilt!) but frankly, pumping saved me. Finally, I had a respite from the pain.
I’d read online on various discussion forums about people hating pumping. Exclusively pumping (or “EP” in the online discussion forum lingo) was seen as a pain in the arse. I didn’t understand that point of view at all. Pumping was the best of both worlds! I get to feed Ada breastmilk and avoid the intense, constant pain of nursing. Win win!
At first, I nursed Ada when she woke up in the middle of the night (so I didn’t have to deal with bottles and sanitation while groggy!) and we used bottles during the day.
Later, once she was sleeping through the night, we fell into a rhythm. I’d pump four times a day and Ada ate exclusively from bottles. I made a couple half-hearted attempts to renew her interest in feeding from the tap. The first time, we were at a Babywearing International meeting and she was not taking it at all. I thought perhaps it could be due to all the distraction in the room. I tried later at home and Ada looked up at me like “Mama, I love you. I don’t mean to make this awkward but, uh, you just put your boob in my mouth.”
And that was that. No more from-the-breast.* We we were exclusive pumpers. Our last breastfeeding session was May 29, 2016, at 7:20 AM. My baby-feeding app reminds me of that every time I open it to add info on our bottle feeds.
Now, eight months into it, I get why people hate pumping. I love that it gives me an excuse to take a little break during the day, but, it’s kind of a pain in the arse … just like all the ladies in the online discussion forums said. I have to plan around when I need to pump. I have to bring the pump with me if we are out of the house during a pumping time. I have to bring bottles with me to feed Ada. I am constantly staring at my output and measuring it against past performance. I’m constantly thinking about breastmilk!
I’m quite jealous of what I perceive as the relative ease of women who can breastfeed. They just pull out a boob whenever milk is needed, lucky ducks!
Had nursing worked out better, I could have see myself nursing into toddlerhood and letting Ada self-wean. As a pumper, I know I’m looking forward to retiring my pump shortly after Ada’s first birthday and that does make me a little wistful.
Don’t get me wrong – when I think of getting rid of the pump I imagine that scene from Office Space where they take the fax machine out to a field and beat it to death. Mmm, yeah. But the whole thing is still a little bittersweet.
* Please note that I made very little effort to go back to feeding from the breast rather than feeding exclusively from a bottle. If you are reading this and going between pumping and nursing or trying to get your babe to take the breast more, please don’t see my journey with breastfeeding (and transition to EPing) as any indicator of your eventual success.
Beth says
Omg, I EP’d for six months! Then decided to be okay with supplementing, reduced pumps, felt better, and my supply increased. What the what?
I do wish we could have been a badass BFing duo but thems the breaks. Great job to you two for going a full year. That’s huge!
Helena says
Oy, I’m having supply issues now. I’m taking so much fenugreek that I smell like maple syrup all the time (that’s apparently a thing). Ada has formula and while it kind of killed me at first (WHICH IS CRAZY, FORMULA IS AWESOME), I’m coming around to being less anxious about it.
Carrie says
I had formula guilt at first with kids. Once we accepted that my supply was tanking, going formula at 8 months both times wasn’t bad. It was freeing. I pumped at work both times about 5 months (8 months total breastfeeding both times). It was so exhausting to work, pump, clean parts, go home, and not sleep much. Our daycare had us make the bottles for J. So, it was annoying, but I had pump freedom. Never feel guilty for making decisions that are best for you and your family.
Helena says
“Never feel guilty for making decisions that are best for you and your family.” Perfect!
Laine Fischer says
I did breastfeeding and pumping with my oldest for 14 months (I was teaching.) My second pretty much only breastfeed (I was at home with the kids all day.) The twins started right off the bat with both pumping and breastfeeding (NICU babies). When they hit 4 months I switched to 100% pumping because little miss would take 1.5 hours to eat… I literally had a baby on me 24/7. I think whatever works for you is what is right. Even if it is formula feeding. No one needs to feel guilty. My husband was 100% formula fed and he is the smartest, healthiest person I know. 🙂
Helena says
Pumping for twins – you are a hero! I love seeing your kids pictures on Facebook. They are clearly thriving and you are doing an awesome job with them!
tree service company Mint Hill NC says
924160 499477Wow, incredible blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you make blogging appear simple. The overall look of your website is wonderful, as effectively as the content material! xrumer 406058
asmr https://0mniartist.tumblr.com says
Your style is very unique compared to other folks I have read stuff from.
Thanks for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I’ll just
book mark this web site. 0mniartist asmr
asmr https://0mniartist.tumblr.com says
Oh my goodness! Amazing article dude! Thank
you, However I am encountering troubles with your RSS. I don’t know why I cannot subscribe to it.
Is there anybody getting the same RSS issues? Anyone who knows the solution will you kindly respond?
Thanks!! 0mniartist asmr
0mniartist says
Hi there i am kavin, its my first time to commenting anywhere, when i read this
article i thought i could also make comment due to this sensible paragraph.
asmr 0mniartist
bitly.com says
Spot on with this write-up, I seriously think this website needs much more
attention. I’ll probably be back again to see more, thanks for the advice!
0mniartist asmr
a gamefly says
I’m extremely pleased to find this web site.
I want to to thank you for your time due to this fantastic read!!
I definitely really liked every part of it and I have you bookmarked to
see new stuff on your website.
asmr off says
Very good blog post. I certainly love this site. Keep writing!
asmr your says
I every time used to read paragraph in news papers but now
as I am a user of internet thus from now I am using net for posts, thanks to
web.
asmr our says
Why users still use to read news papers when in this technological
world the whole thing is presented on net?
Hyderabad Gated Community Villas for Sale says
280224 323911learning toys can enable your kids to develop their motor skills quite easily;; 605902
gamefly for says
I do not know if it’s just me or if everybody else experiencing problems with your blog.
It appears as if some of the written text on your content are running off the screen. Can somebody else please provide feedback and
let me know if this is happening to them as well?
This may be a issue with my web browser because I’ve had this happen before.
Appreciate it
asmr there says
We’re a gaggle of volunteers and opening a new
scheme in our community. Your site provided us with helpful info to work on. You have done an impressive process and our entire community will probably be grateful
to you.
asmr why says
Hurrah, that’s what I was looking for, what a material!
present here at this webpage, thanks admin of this site.
was asmr says
Great article.
bit.ly says
scoliosis
These are truly enormous ideas in regarding blogging.
You have touched some good factors here. Any way keep up
wrinting. scoliosis
트루모아 says
634976 458528conclusion which you are absolutely correct but several need to be 869902
asmr it says
Hi, always i used to check webpage posts here early in the daylight,
because i like to learn more and more.
is dating sites says
Incredible points. Solid arguments. Keep up the great effort.
is free dating sites says
Your way of describing the whole thing in this piece
of writing is truly pleasant, every one can effortlessly understand it, Thanks a lot.
on dating sites says
Great article.
the scoliosis says
It’s fantastic that you are getting thoughts from this post as well
as from our argument made at this place.
on scoliosis surgery says
It’s great that you are getting thoughts from this piece of writing as well as from our
argument made here.
dating sites with says
We are a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community.
Your web site provided us with valuable
information to work on. You have done an impressive job
and our whole community will be grateful to you.
free dating sites my says
Magnificent beat ! I wish to apprentice while you amend your website, how can i subscribe for a blog web site?
The account aided me a acceptable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided bright clear idea
tinyurl.com says
I am curious to find out what blog system you happen to be working with?
I’m having some small security issues with my latest website
and I’d like to find something more safeguarded. Do you have
any recommendations?
Crypto tauschen says
53308 781603Very fascinating subject , thanks for putting up. 389106
Darknet Link Verzeichnis says
912150 92466I adore foregathering valuable information , this post has got me even more info! . 410730
Lavina says
Hey! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could locate a captcha plugin for my comment form?
I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having trouble
finding one? Thanks a lot!
free create websites says
924181 779532For some cause the picture just isnt loading appropriately, is at this time there an concern? 272408